What's In a Year?

 

"Once you have mastered time, you will understand how true it is that most people overestimate what they can accomplish in a year - and underestimate what they can achieve in a decade!"

-Tony Robbins

 

 

It's been nearly a year since I've sat down to blog. My surroundings are different. My family has grown. Yet I'm still sitting on the same couch, squished between two half-naked toddlers, dying to show me something repulsive, fighting me to change the channel because I've picked up my laptop and am doing something that resembles "Time to myself". With the only exception of doing all that, and using a free foot to rock Alex's Rock N' Play.

 

What's in a Year?

 

 

(One of the reasons I quit blogging. Thanks Liam)

 

 

 

 

What is a year? 365 days, chances, to wake up and be a New person. Better, worse, just different. My life is immensely different and I didn't even see my life changing right before my eyes. My little Lion (Liam) turned 2, learned to talk and potty trained himself. He's become a little artist and can spend hours drawing on his doodle pad. Leah started Pre-school, and being the stubborn girl she is was also FINALLY potty trained, and is feistier than ever.

And most recently, we welcomed our precious little boy, Alexander into the world.

 

Four days into this new opportunity called 2014 and I remain resolutionless. I'm still neurotic about cleaning up messes that will be there, again 10 minutes later. I got another hair cut WAY shorter than I could handle. I yell too much, and still pray every night before I go to bed that I haven't ruined my kids.

With that being said, I have around 10,000 things to resolve.

But this year, as silly as it may sound, I resolve to not set myself up for failure. I resolve to Laugh more, ignore the mess. Read to myself, read to my kids, and Roll my eyes less (You're welcome in Advance, Bill). I'll take more walks, let my kids stay up late, and sit down to color instead of finishing the dishes right away. I will lose that 5, 10, 20lbs of baby weight hanging around, but more importantly I'm going to feel better, and think more highly of myself. I make no promises, but I'll try to be the wife my Husband deserves, and the Mom my kids need. Because the only thing I can truly resolve to do; try.

 

 

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years"

-Abraham Lincoln

Slinky Action War Zone

I was 16 weeks pregnant when I had my 4th Ultrasound with Leah. Most women are lucky to get 2, at most. I didn't think I was lucky. Four weeks prior, when I was still getting used to being pregnant, the routine prenatal tests the Dr's. suggested I'd take had come back with dismal news. Leah was most likely a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis.

I went through a pain-staking amniocentesis to discover that she did in fact have this disease.

 

(My ultrasound the day of my first amnio)

 

I was offered my first "opportunity", as they saw it, to terminate.

Because I chose otherwise, they sent me in for a 2nd opinion.

At 16 weeks pregnant, more than half way to go, I had lost all joy. Was I bringing a baby into this world that had no hope to begin with? Am I being selfish continuing with this?

At the third hospital, they not only confirmed her CF, but they also broke the news that Leah would be born without the rest of her right arm.

How am I going to deal with this? I don't know what it's like to be without an arm, so how will I raise someone without one? What do I tell everyone? The questions only went on and on. Worst of all, they stopped referring to her as a baby, and started referring to her as a "genetic mutant". Did I make the right decision?

 

Like any other normal day, trying to fight boredom, and two toddlers, I decided to head to Slinky's. I hoped and prayed that this would tire them out, and I might get a nap in too.

We got there early, the place was bare. I was excited at the thought they could have the place almost to themselves to wreak their havoc. Leah loves these opportunities. She thrives on running at the speed of light and I won't have to tell her NO a thousand times. Not even 20 minutes goes by, and it was quickly becoming crowded.

I finally rediscovered Leah in the ball pit, and a little boy around five, throwing balls at her. I politely asked him to stop. To see this boy, he did not fit in. Khakis, Sweater-Vest, and the attitude to match. He climbed out of the ball pit, came over to my friend and I, and began to tell us about "The one armed guy over there". My heart sank a tiny bit as he ran away. Did that just happen? I'm used to kids asking questions, but never this brazen.

 

Another while had gone by, chasing Liam around the entire area, on and off rides, when I began to notice the same kid, Preston, gathering kids around Leah. Wherever she went he followed her gathering his posse, saying things like "Guys there she is, the one armed girl".

I just stood there. Frozen. Blood boiling. And I definitely would be lying if I said I didn't think about tackling this kid.

But I did absolutely nothing.

A few times I followed him as he ran to his mother, cluelessly texting, oblivious that her son was turning my daughter into a Zoo exhibit.

This is what I had been preparing for, for 3 years now. The only thing that had stopped me, was Leah. She had no idea what was happening. She was too busy making new friends, and having the time of her life. When she went down the slides she would run over to us, elated, saying, " I did it, I'm going again!"

When we left, I felt wrong for not stopping that boy, or at least talking to his Mother.

 

In the days since, I've been reading a book that I purchased Bill for Christmas; Heroes for My Son, by Brad Meltzer.

Page after Page filled with characters such as Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela, Team Hoyt, Dr. Seuss, and Miep Gies. I chuckled to my self, reading their bios and realizing, what my children have taught me.

I could have said something, but that kid will always be that kid, because his mother is who is Mother is. She watched her son throw balls at other kids, let him bully kids in the areas designated for toddlers, and most of all ignored him being cruel to others.

 

Children are born curious; not cruel

 

My Children are my heroes, and most days when I'm trying to teach them a life lesson in between the millionth episode of Dora the Explorer and wrestling them to bed, they teach me a thing or two.

Children are fearless. They triumph in adversity. They do not fail; they only try again. There is no black and white. They find joy in the smallest thing. And hopefully, if all of our parenting doesn't get in the way, they'll continue to be the Good in the world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



8 levels of An Angry Mommy

 

 

I don't think that my kids are "bad kids". I think I have two very loud crazy rambunctious kids.

 

One of the best feeling in the world is managing to make it to the store when your kids have eaten, napped, and woke up on the right side of their toddler bed. And on these days when you are shopping with your little angels, you hear a screaming tyke in the background. Leah gives me a funny look and says, "oh, the baby's sad". I say something around the idea of "Yeah, doesn't she look silly" (Hopefully shaming any future incidents)

And then the parent, looking at my beautiful, quiet, little angels, uses them as the example. "Look at those babies, they are being so good, and quiet. I bet they'll get a prize"

In my head, I'm doing a goofy dance, saying Booyah!, my kids are awesome, and you bet your bottom my kids are getting Candy! Maybe they'll get candy ALL DAY. How 'bout a pony my sweet lil' darling. Overboard, but it feels like winning the lottery.

 

Today, I got the pleasure of having "the other kids". Now I've only been parenting for 3 years now but I've seen my fair share of phases. The biting phase, hitting, screaming, food throwing, non-sleeping, and most recently the "No" phase. And today was not my day to battle a two year old. I decided to go find a book, and silly me, I actually asked opinions on which book to read, knowing full well what happens when I go to the store with my kids. I fill my cart with leggings, but no matching shirts, snack cakes, shampoo, but not conditioner. That's a mildly tame list but I've walked away with some odd combos.

Today's Goal: Find a new book

Today's Result: Got a book and accomplished the 8 levels to an angry Mom

 

Level 1: The Nice Mommy

We arrived at the bookstore. I said to Leah, "You're going to be a big girl, right?"

Yeah, I knew what I was in for

 

Level 2: The Bargain

"Leah, I bet if you're a really good girl, we will find you a book"

(we have a lot of books at our home)

 

Level 3: The Warning

We usually spout off a line like "That's not nice, please don't be a bad girl"

 

Level 4: The Bribe

By this point Leah was fully engaged in Terrible Two Mode, throwing out No's like they're going outta style. But I was hellbent on finding a book so I initiated the Bribe.

Slightly more intricate than the bargain.

"Ooohh, look Leah, a DORA book. AND I bet if you let mommy even read one title of any single book in this store we'll go to McDonald's (insert Game Show voice)

 

Level 5: The Crazy Eyes And Finger Point

With eyes bugging out of my head and pointer finger out I gave her my best

"DO NOT MAKE ME TELL YOU AGAIN"

 

Level 6: Courtesy Hand/Butt smack

This level is usually frowned upon, but since I've now exhausted 5 previous levels I've tapped her little fingers and threw in some crazy eyes with a side of "Don't touch another single thing"

 

Level 7: The Threat

I've given up hope and throw out a "I guess you aren't getting your book and certainly no McDonald's"

 

Level 8: The Plea

"Please, please, please just act like a functioning human being while I look for one book"

 

I've made it to the counter, 2 books in hand, and the cashier gives me look like can't you Wrangle your little Heathens for a few seconds.

 

I made it to the car, strapped the kids in, and thought to myself; "If someone paid me a million dollars to name 1 of the 2 books I purchased, I don't think I could. Neither one"

 

So to my surprise, I open my bag and discover;

 

 

Some point, in the parenting section, this apparently looked appealing. But hey, I accomplished Today's goal!

 

Moments

 

The other night, on the way to a New Year's Eve party, I asked Bill a simple question. "What was your favorite memory of 2012". I don't know why I asked, I knew his answer, or at least what his gesture would be, but I asked anyways. He shrugged it off and retorted about "Not ranking things".

For me, this was easy. I'm infamous for these sort of things. I've toned down due to the fact that everyone points out how goofy it is, but I'm not one to pass up commemorating something important. I point out that this was Our third Christmas together. I've saved the Wishbone from Our First Thanksgiving Meal we cooked, and everyone has heard multiple variations of Can you believe it's been a whole year since Vacation! And trust me, a lot more menial things that rank in my life. So, this being our 3rd New Years eve together I was feeling nostalgic. Bill pointed out that I was very quiet on the ride there.

 

Inside I was reliving our First New Years eve together. We had driven 4 hours to Baltimore to celebrate with his friend's family, and I had never kissed anyone at Midnight on New Years. I was planning it all out in my head the entire way. The deafening music would become silent to us, the entire room would be cheering on the first seconds of 2011, and we would practically be the only two in the room. (Movies HAVE given me unrealistic expectations!) Instead, before we even arrived I could feel that something was not right. I spent the entire evening on the couch with the stomach flu, oblivious of the Good Time Charlie that I had actually married. Not our finest moment. Fortunately, I'm also a sucker for a Comic relief.

 

When I asked Bill, what I thought was a simple question, I was armed with several responses in case he chose to reciprocate. Being the Reminiscent and Cheesy woman I am, I came up with my list of "Moments" from the last years.

 

 

Most recently, Bill and I celebrated our 2nd anniversary, again with a horrible 1st in the books, there was only up from there. Long story short, we celebrated our first Anniversary with a car that broke down (that morning), I was due any second with Liam, and getting denied for Car Loans. I was prepared for anything come the 2nd time around. I simply knew we were going to Allentown and I needed a dress.

 

The day came and Bill took off to prepare and left his sister, Steph and cousin, Julie to work on me. 2 or something hours later, When they were done, I was speechless. I barely recognized myself and I could hear that Bill had arrived. I felt like I was 16 again, getting ready for Prom, butterflies and all. What would he say, or think? My top moment was simply, the look on his face when I stepped into the room. Neither of us knew what to say. We both smiled from ear to ear. I cannot rate the moments of happiness I feel in my life, or plan for them as they approach. I can only look back and realize, in those unexpected seconds, I will find irreplaceable joy.

 

 

"The Moments of happiness we enjoy, take us by surprise. It is not that we seize them, but that they seize us"

 

All I want for Christmas...

 

Ahhhhhhhhhh. Christmas is over. I've tried tackling the mounds of gifts a few times now, but I think I might snuggle up in Leah's new princess sleeping bag. However, this Christmas has been a welcome change to a few celebrations we've had in the past.

 

For the longest time, I firmly believed that Leah hated Holidays, Celebrations, or any kind of Good time. Unfortunately, Bill and I were most likely the reason.

 

Like any other time I've had to plan something, I was a frantic, sweaty, frazzled mess. I had been planning Leah's party for months. Basically, since the day she was born, I was planning this party. Pink and green everywhere. 50 people invited. Balloons covered the scene. What could go wrong? Oh yeah, I have a baby, that's what could go wrong.

On the most important day of Leah's life, to date, she didn't take a nap. What are the chances? Friends and family quietly rocked her before the rest of the guests arrived and things were looking okay, as far as a first birthday can go. Then, the moment everyone had been waiting for. The smash cake. The moment, in a perfect world, when she would tear this thing to shreds and leave no survivors. Bill and I had that "new parents look", this would be a memory we would carry with us forever; The moment we would begin to sing and she would...Grab a hold of the candle. Tears instantly followed. I secretely cried in shame. There were gasps, and then mostly silence. At least I think there was. I couldn't hear anything over her screaming. I'm pretty sure the party ended there. She wanted nothing to do with that flaming, death trap, her parents tried to feed her, and she wanted nothing to do with her presents either.

The following Christmas, we had hope. 19 months is a good age to understand presents. Not Leah. She screamed, and begged to go take a nap. Two days worth of parties and families to visit and not one single gift was opened by Leah. Even 2 month old Liam opened more gifts than her.

Once again, it was Birthday time. I knew that we would get this right. However, Bill was convinced that at another year older, Leah would know not to touch the candle. I begged him to not to....and she burnt her hand again. Leah officially hates Holidays.
Even at Easter, when my dad had constructed a Pinata for the kids, she wanted nothing to do with it! She has had enough of the Celebrations.

I was bound and determined to get this straightened out. The day after Thanksgiving, and not a moment sooner, only because Bill has a "No Christmas before Thanksgiving" rule, I exuded Christmas spirit. I made that Jolly old elf her best friend in the entire world. He would bring her everything her little mind could imagine. She would have heaps and mounds of candy, come Christmas, if only she would show a little, tiny, glimpse of Joy on Christmas Day.
We watched every Cartoon Christmas movie available to us and busted out all the Carols in the car. Then a light clicked on. I think she was getting the idea. She begged to watch the Grinch, and to have Bill read it every night. She was excited to see Santa at the mall and cheered when we saw Santa at Wal-mart.
Did I actually Manage to get Leah excited about a Holiday?
Only Christmas would tell.
When the big moment arrived, I was leery. She didn't much like the idea that she couldn't open every present to play at that second. I winced a little, and reassured her the exact millisecond we get home, that sleeping Dora doll and Tent will be your Dream come true. And then I heard it. Her little ecstatic voice say, "Open presents, please". I sighed a 2 and half year, sigh of relief in waiting. Leah enjoyed a Holiday. It wasn't the gifts, snow, or Jewelry that had I wanted for Christmas, but to see Joy and Magic light up my children's faces.

"Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful"
 



Love is Louder

 

I can't turn the news off. Even if my TV is off, my mind is still reeling. I've spent 3 days crying in sadness, grief, and fear. I do not know these children but I know their stories, and they seem all too close to home. "Loves to color", "Lights up the room", " Such a Joy". It sounds familiar because we've all uttered these words about our own babies.

 

Days before this tragedy I found my self to be a "YouTube Enthusiast". When my kids fell asleep I was entranced with some of these videos. I watched for about 3 hours. Soldiers surprising their loved ones, Families announcing they were expecting. I watched all to see one thing, over and over. Pure Human Emotions. Joy, Relief, Excitement.

 

Friday I spent the morning with my own family. We went to see Santa, the kids played at the Play Park, and we went to Lunch. During lunch I had taken the kids, who were getting cranky by this point, to the car to let Bill finish his meal in peace. I opened Facebook on my phone and began to Sob. This just didn't and still doesn't make sense to me.

After everyone had fallen asleep, I still couldn't put my mind to ease.

I repeated this to myself. "There is still Good in this world"

I opened Youtube and began to search. I watched probably 75 videos of "Acts of Kindness"

There is Still Good in this world

I need to forget what I saw on the News

There is Still Good in this World

....and over and over again.

 

2 months ago when I started writing, I had a post called Give without Sparing. I want to be a good influence for my children. I will breed Love and Tolerance. Have I lived my life like this since I've posted? Probably not.

I decided I will make a better effort.

 

Generally acts of kindness are done Anonymously. In my case I NEED to tell you what I've done, as an example so I not only affect them, but I start a fire in my community. I started at McDonald's.

I decided I would go just to pay for someones order. A construction truck pulled in behind me and i was disappointed. I was hoping for maybe a Mom or someone who looked like they could use it. And then I realized what I just thought. I was stereotyping my act of kindness. I paid for their meal. My mind was again, reeling. Maybe they just said Thanks and drove away. Maybe they paid for the person behind them. Kindness has no limits.

 

"There can still be good in this world"

 

Here is what I have planned/or have done so far

 

1. Donate Blood

2. Buy a strangers meal

3. Call someone who needs my call

4. Donate to the Salvation Army

5. I left Dollar Bills on the games at Walmart

6. Donate books to the Library

7. Donate a Pack of Diapers

8. Send Christmas cards to local workers

9. I donated a toy to Toys for Tots

10. I donated some canned foods

11. I brought carts in the parking lot inside the store.

 

...and I'm not done yet. I plan on doing 27 Intentional acts of Kindness and hopefully 100's after these.

 

I, 100%, no doubt about it, believe that I can make this world a better place. If not the world, than my Family, or the stranger who needed a free meal.

 

 

LOVE IS LOUDER



Unrealistic Expectations

 

Have you ever heard the line, Romantic Comedies have given Women Unrealistic Expectations about Romance? I hear this all the time, from my own husband even.

 

I have to admit, I am a sucker for Romantic Comedies. Who wouldn't want John Cusack standing outside of your window holding a Boom Box over his head, blasting a love song? Or for the Man of your dreams to come kiss you while standing on a baseball mound, in front of Hundreds of people? I want Gerard Butler, from P.S. I Love you, reminding me to live life if you aren't here with me, and of course Channing Tatum in The Vow, reliving our first moments so I could remember our lives together. Who can forget when Heath Ledger serenaded Julia Stiles in front of the whole Soccer team or that Kiss from the Notebook.

 

Have these movies honestly given me an unrealistic outlook on Love?

Sitting on my couch, forcing Bill to watch another one of these movies, where I laugh and cry, and think to myself, "Wouldn't that be wonderful". But seriously, is it really that Unrealistic?

 

Over the past two years with Bill, I've probably complained that he hasn't wooed me in these Hallmark ways. No Flowers on Valentines day and no grand gestures on random days of the week. Where is all the Romance? However, every time we get into the car, and I turn on the radio, Bill hears this; "I love this song, it reminds me of you". I say this all too often, and the more I look at my life, the more I realize I'm not living a Romantic Comedy, I'm living a Romantic Country song....if you don't like mushy stories, I suggest you stop reading.

 

Day after day, song after song, I am moved to tears, and laughter, thinking how much these songs remind me of the Man I am so in love with, and how much he does for me everyday.

 

An' it's the way that she looks with the rice in her hair.
"Eatin' burnt suppers the whole first year
"An' askin' for seconds to keep her from tearin' up.
"Yeah, man, that's the good stuff."

-Kenny Chesney

 

I can't even begin to list how many horrible meals I have made. Undercooked, overcooked, flavorless, bizarre, etc. He has sat down at dinner, and told me that Dinner was good. I have someone willing to lie rather than crushing my feelings.

 

" I could tell that got her attention, So I said, "Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, I wouldn't trade a single day  For 100 years the other way."She just smiled and rolled her eyes, Cause she's heard all of my lines, I said, "C'mon on girl, seriouslyIf I hadn't been so lucky
I'd be shootin' pool in my bachelor pad.Playing bass in my cover band.Restocking up cold Bud Light, For poker every Tuesday night, yeah I'd have a dirtbike in the shed,And not one throw pillow on the bed,I'd keep my cash in a coffee can, But if I was a single man, Alone and out there on the loose Well I'd be looking for a woman like you."

-Lee Brice

 

This is one of my absolute favorite songs. And it's probably the 3rd or 4th song that I've named, "Bill and I's song", but for right now this is the official. I laugh at the lyrics, he does too, because it is beyond true. I've completely ruined his status as a "football fan", he has a child friendly vehicle, and we have about 10 throw pillows on our bed and every couch in the house. But he sucks it up, because he loves me.

 

"There's dirty shirts to wash
Dishes in the sink to do
And there's how many times
Does 17 go into 52
There's bedtime prayers to pray
Sleep tights and I love you's
And then there's a pair of eyes
I get to lose myself into .What keeps me keepin the faith
What makes me believe I can
Family man .They're a world my world revolves around
My sacred piece of solid ground
The flesh and bone that gives me strength to stand
They are a fire in my drivin on
The drive behind my comin home
The livin, breathin, reason that I am
A family man "

-Craig Campbell

 

And this is the song that brings me to tears. It's the simple things that makes him The man of my Dreams. He wakes up with the kids so I can sleep in, he spontaneously does the dishes when I just feel like sitting on the couch, and he selflessly agrees to take family photos, play board games on Saturdays, and sings "I'm a little teapot" 1,800 times a day.

 

He is the world my world revolves around, and I'd rather have Ordinary everyday, than a Grand Gesture, once in a lifetime.